INTENTIONAL PARENTING AND HOLISTIC HEALING / by BRIANNA GARCIA
In the back of my head, I always felt like I wanted to be at home with my children but my busy work life required my thoughts to be with the person sitting in my chair.
Heres is the backstory…
When my son A.J was born in 2019, I was still working for a chain hair salon as a hair stylist. I am someone who loves to plan and set goals so I had planned out far enough to the point where I envisioned myself working as my own boss and in charge of my own schedule. I wanted to put my family first so the idea of owning a small studio was always tempting and I had eventually made it into a reality. I began to co-own a salon suite in Newton MA, in 2020 (Yes, during the covid- 19 pandemic) with one of my closest friends. It was everything I could have dreamed of.
I was setting goals and reaching them, I was pushing the needle in the right direction. I was doing what I loved, hair, and I always felt super grateful. My goals and business was put to a halt in 2022 when my family and I dropped everything and moved to Puerto Rico. I just had baby number two, Olivia, and we were about to stop, drop and roll (or fly) over to a small little island, I had only visited once. Yea, so you can bet that I was an emotional wreck. Leading up to and during the move I was filled with a ton of stress, postpartum depression symptoms, uncertainty, overwhelm, excitement and eagerness too! I was about to experience one of the biggest changes in my life.
I had to stop working and learn a completely unfamiliar lifestyle than what I had been accustomed to.
I was no longer was a business owner and hairstylist, but “just a mom and wife”.
The postpartum depression symptoms, the stress and the unknown was still very present. I no longer was a working mom, who was too busy to think about the significance of changes I needed to make in my personal life, but a full-time stay at home mom. My thoughts took over and I felt defeated. It was so much change in such a short period of time and mentally I could not handle.
I struggled for the first year and a half in our new space, though the struggle wasn’t necessarily visible all of the time. I soon began to realize that I was just negative. I didn’t have much hope for myself, I felt lost and confused. I began to talk down to myself and feel guilty for everything. It was a very hard mental battle and I am proud to say I am out of that state of mind now and I am so happy to be here. I decided to put in the work to figure out where this energy was stemming from and how to fix the mess I was creating for myself and my family.
I started reading more, I got away from the screens and all of the hair videos and binge watching silly shows. I began researching ways to be a better mom, wife and person. I spent my time wisely and was very intentional with the way I chose to move about the day. It has been a rollercoaster ride for sure but I have finally found my way out and I can honestly say I know I will not be back there again.
These next 6 things I am going to go over are what I did to get myself out of my own head and actually proud and excited to be a stay at home mom. It took a minute girl, but we made it and if you are struggling with postpartum depression and uncertainty on becoming a stay at home mom, follow these next steps and you will feel ready to take on your new role.
1. Seek God
I began to find myself going deep into my thoughts every chance I could. I thought about how I shouldn’t give up on my original business goals even though I am home now. I focused my energy on my business, with no business. I would stick my children on a tablet and spend hours trying to work through my plans. I was then filled with feelings of guilt and confusion.
I was focusing my energy and time on things that no longer served my new lifestyle. I was a bit in denial and I was eager to complete my goals.
I was angry, negative and my children’s attitude reflected the same. I found that it was just turning into a very toxic and unpleasant experience. One day, in the “sacred bathroom”, these bathroom moments are special to us mamas, I was speaking to God. I was asking him for some guidance and some clarity in what was actually wrong in my life. Why are the days full of such anger. I am supposed to be in a peaceful, beautiful, tropical paradise and I am feeling very overwhelmed. I was then awakened, my eyes were wide and I could see clearly all of the things that I knew were not right. It was up to me to change this. I decided to seek God because of that moment clarity. I chose to confide in him whenever those crazy emotions came back. I believe that because of my determination to be close to God, I was able to get clarity in my new journey. After all, without him I wouldn’t be here to experience this beautiful life.
Seeking God has allowed me to see clearly how important my motherhood role is. He has helped me understand the sacrifices I needed to make to be a better mom for my family.
I read the Bible a few times a week, whether it is on my phone or my actual Bible but I make sure to make it happen to continue filling my days with God and clarity. I’ve also recently started to listen to my old church’s mass in the mornings. It helps to set the right tone to the day. You can find the Bible I use here and also these super cute Mr. Pen tabs and highlighters to help with note taking.
2. Cut out ALL negativity and toxicity
This is a complex thing to say but one that is very important. Growing up, like most, the news was on every morning and evening. All of the mainstream media was a huge priority to my family. We must stay in the loop and not miss out on anything that is happening in the world. I then grew up with the same mentality, especially once I began to work in the beauty industry. The pandemic hit in 2020, I was pregnant, very confused and worried. I would wake up to watch the number of covid cases rising every day. I think I even had a tracker on my phone. It was getting too intense for me so I told myself I was going to stop watching the media and stressing over things that I had absolutely no control over.
I stopped binge watching reality TV shows, or any shows for that matter because at the end of the day those were all distractions for my own thoughts. It was time to be fully present and focus on the moment I was in with my family and make the most of the time that we did have.
I would get a look from others every time I mentioned we don’t have a TV, or that I had no idea what they were talking about when they spoke about celebrities or politics. I know they were like, this girl is crazy. I still knew a bit but not as much as before. If a relative or friend would give me an update I would then carry on my own research if I thought necessary but most of the time I just let it be. If I didn’t feel like it would effect my current life/lifestyle/family then I had no interest. This has helped me to also see what else was negative in my world. I began to distance myself from people who spoke negatively ALL of the time. I started to use those same words and judgments to myself and realized, wow, I was a negative thinker. I needed to cut out the negative people and habits out of my life. It didn’t mean the love was not there, it just meant that the distance was necessary.
The only thing we can control are our actions and reactions.
Here are some things you can cut out of your life right now that will transform your life
- Toxic Relationships
Distance or end relationships from people who are draining you, speaking negatively or not aspiring you to be better. You may find yourself allowing that energy to control you mentally.
- Negative Self-Talk
Practice mindfulness and as you find yourself more in tune with your body you will feel more appreciative of it. Avoid speaking and engaging in negative self talk and begin speaking positively to yourself.
- Mainstream Media
Consuming negative news and media will only hurt you in the long run. You will allow your days and mind to be filled with news and information that you cannot control. Focus on the celebratory news and let that light energy carry you through the day. Our minds are very powerful and we have the choice to allow who influences our thoughts.
- Binge watching
Cancel that Netflix account boo! Binge watching shows anywhere are just an escape away from reality. You’ll find yourself wasting hours doing something that will not push the needle in the right direction. There is always something more valuable to do with your time. It doesnt mean not to watch a movie or episode here and there but be conscious of the timing.
- Mindless scrolling on social media
Be intentional! If you find yourself scrolling mindlessly on social media all of the time, then you need to take a step back, do a little screen detox and figure out what you are actually looking for. Start following people that will influence your mind in the right direction. I began removing toxic accounts and following mom craft accounts, self-love accounts and even some cooking accounts. Things that I could learn from but also if I found myself doing a little mindless scrolling here and there, at least it would be things that would help my mind.
- Unhealthy Eating Habits
This one can be hard if you were raised eating very processed food and lots of junk. It was normal to you your whole life and now it’s considered “Life-threatening” according to Google. Dont get too scared, just take baby steps Try journaling your meals or favorite things you eat now and begin replacing one at a time with foods that are whole and unprocessed. You will be surprised to see the difference in your energy levels and overall health.
God has given us everything we need to be fueled and healthy
3. Remind yourself of your NEW job title
It took me a while to actually think about motherhood as a “job“. Yes, it’s hard work but also, it IS a job and if you can shift your mindset to actually thinking of motherhood as your JOB then you will find that you actually will try harder. I have always had amazing work ethic, yes I am tooting my own horn and that is because I always tried to be the absolutely BEST employee. After working for myself I learned the hard way, no one is there to tell you how you are doing your job anymore so you need to constantly be checking in on yourself. Daily progress reports were necessary to ensure you were still on the right path and down time was always CRUCIAL at work.
It’s the absolutely same method you should use in your home as a stay at home mom. That down time is even more crucial because it could be the difference between a peaceful and organized home or a very cluttered one. The saying I always remind myself of is “Messy home means a messy mind” and it is absolutely true. You need to use the time wisely and make the absolute most out of each moment. I find that by filling out my to-do list the night before I wake up with a clear plan and no questions that are unanswered. My phone notes are full of to-do lists and I recently created a daily morning slip, because I am a pen and paper kind of gal, that I love to use to fill out the schedule for the next day.
I am someone who needs to write in order for my mind to feel at peace. Writing out my weekly tasks every day of the week is a lot for some people but a must for me. I like to write it out and keep this slip on the kitchen counter as a constant reminder of the things I need to get done.
You will be able to maintain a healthy mind and not go around yelling at everyone about how the place is a disaster probably because you decided to spend 30 valuable minutes scrolling on your phone instead of putting away the laundry.
Tell yourself that being a mom is my role and take that role more serious than you would your job. Clean up at the end of the night so the next crew isn’t furious and they can start their day a little easier (except you are the crew). If you see something on the floor, don’t wait to pick it up. If you see a mess, wipe it. If you want your personal time alone, which is very hard to do, wake up on time and DO NOT be late to your scheduled time because you will face the consequences. This sounds like a lot of pressure but this is the most impactful and important job we will have.
It really is just as simple as taking your role more seriously and what that does is allows you to actually take pleasure in your role (not that it isn’t pleasant but it can get wild girl). Just remind yourself how important your job is to you and be grateful mama. This is a part of our lives we will look back at and think… wow, I did that.
You’ll get your reassurance when you see the behavior in your children or you feel the peace in the home. It is worth the effort and each moment is very essential to the flow of your home.
Now, I’m not saying this is the ONLY way but I am saying this was a huge help for me personally because I wasn’t used to having so much “down time” when I was a working mom. Down time for me was being home.
You’ve got this and you also need to make sure to give yourself vacation, even if it’s unpaid. Give yourself your days off where you don’t have to be so strict with your time but creating systems that help your home flow, a schedule that makes sense for you will always be extremely helpful to get back on track and get the ball rolling. You can use journals to map out what systems you need to create or you can find pre-made systems and tweak them to fit your life. I find that journaling daily helps me to take my thoughts out of my head and place them on paper to visually see what steps I need to take.
4. Rewrite your goals!
If you are anything like me, you are a GOAL-GETTER. I had goals on goals on goals on goals when I was working in the salon. I wanted to have the beauty world in my hands. I’m also a huge dreamer, even if they are too big for me to handle. Rewriting your goals is so important to being a stay at home mom. YES, you should still have goals! Maybe you need to adjust them a bit but once you go from working to being home full-time, you’ll absolutely need to change a couple goals.
I am going to give you a couple examples of my own personal goals as a stay at home mom.
- Become self-sufficient
This would have never been one of my goals if I was still working full-time at the salon. Since being home and being on this beautiful island I have found a new love for gardening. I want to master gardening to the point where I can pick all of my food and herbs from my garden. I want to some day be able to provide my family with the dairy and stock my pantry with foods we grow and eat daily. We have about 1-2 acres of land which is plenty to be able to grow what we need. I’ve seen people do it with a lot less space. “The Self-Sufficient Backyard” is a great read to help with that process. I was amazed at how much you can actually accomplish in just 1/4 of an acre and I’m excited to start this journey.
- I want to be a healthy person
This to me, means overall healthy. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I want to make ALL of my decisions as a healthy person would and not slack on myself. This means more outdoor walks, eating whole and healthy, meditation sessions, and self-love and care. This goal is top priority for me right now.
- I want to homeschool
I know that might sound crazy to those who know me but it is actually a goal I’ve thought about a lot since AJ was born. I currently teach the kids at home but because they are still pre-schoolers it hasn’t been very structured or consistent. We usually wake up to a morning basket similar to this one or some block building, we have a set of 150 blocks, its a lot but its worth it for their motor skills and for a little screen-less distraction while I am getting breakfast ready or even having a cup of coffee. We will then find time in the day (usually around 9:00-10:00am) where we go into my sons room and fill out the calendar, go over the letter of the week and work on activities related to the letter of the week. My 5 year old son A.j, is also currently enrolled into a public elementary school that is close by but I continue to do “Learning Time” here at home on the weekends. The elementary school is not bilingual so I will be making sure to follow their lessons at home and in English for now. I am striving to get a good schedule down and educate myself on how to homeschool here in Puerto Rico. I’ve made this a goal so I now make sure to schedule in “Learning Time” everyday to start creating the habit of teaching the kids at home.
These are just a few I have but these are currently the top three I chose to focus on the most. It’s important to set goals but also wise to remind yourself who the real goal setter is. The man above will always place you where you need to be so give yourself grace. If some of the goals don’t fall through trust that you will be okay. Spend time with God and rethink your plans.
5. Get on a screen DETOX
Detoxing is important in many scenarios but especially with screens. The other day I was listening to Mel Robbins and she said something that stood out to me. She said that she read about a study that says screen addicts are more addicted than cocaine addicts. It painted a hard image in my mind but it definitely resonated with the way I feel about screens. It’s so easy to plop the kids in front of a screen when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed or to turn on a tv show on Netlifx and binge watch an entire season in one or two days. It is comfort and naturally we as humans want to do what is more comfortable. Now, we are no way near being 100% screen free in the house but we are gradually working towards less screen time everyday. We are timing the kids on the screens and we are also leaning more towards movie night as a family and no screens towards the other days. Its a work in progress but we are seeing amazing changes.
I get it, our parents put us in front of the television all the time and I turned out fine. Did you?! Really think about that for a second. Do you struggle with anxiety? Social interactions? Maybe you even have a hard time regulating your own emotions. Yes, this can be for many other reasons too but it isn’t unlikely that it was because you were away from reality while you were drowning in the shows.
I also think that things were a little different back then because we actually had commercials and we also had one television for all to share so we were together most of the time.
I still struggle with this because of the fact that I am learning to regulate my emotions and stay consistent with my daily habits. I find myself turning on a show when I’ve let a huge load of laundry pile up or the toys are all over the place. I even would binge watch a tv series while I’m in the middle of eating breakfast or sitting down. It would take over my mind and I would end up preferring to watch the rest of the show than what ever else was on the to-do list.
This takes practice and when you pay attention to how transformative it is to do a screen detox, you will find yourself detoxing a lot more then just screens. You’ll start to feel more connected to each other, your spouse, your children when you detach and detox from the screens.
Here are some alternatives to having a tv show or YouTube show on in your home. (This goes for you and your spouse as well). You should also be mindful of the amount of information you consume because that as well, can be addictive.
- Podcasts
We like to listen to audio books on Spotify when the kids are eating a snack or even when you are weening them off the tablets or screens. We have also got into the habit of listening to them on car rides. I’ve always been a heavy podcast listener but even that can become addictive so just make sure you are present and intentionally listening to things that will help your mind and spirit. Here are a few we listen to as a family and some of my personal favorites on Spotify.
– Read Along with me books by Jenny Baker (Children’s Audio Books)
– The Ed Mylett Show (Personal Development)
– Christ with coffee on Ice by Ally Yost (Personal Development)
– Tara Brach (Mindfullness)
– Raising good humans by Aliza Pressman (Positive Parenting Tips)
– The Mindset Mentor by Rob Dial (Personal Development)
– God’s Big Story by The Village Church (Bible Stories for Children)
- Activities/Hobbies that require the use of motor skills
For me this was being in the garden. I can get so lost outside just pulling weeds and trimming my plants. Its so theraputic to me. I also have found that making homemade meals have been a great way to stay present and away from my phone.
- Books
Reading! We all know the benefits of reading but let’s actually make it a habit to pick up where you left off in your book instead of scrolling social media. The kids love to see it and want to do the same.
I am currently reading Atomic Habits by James Clear and this book is absolutely life changing. I know a lot of people who have read it and said great things about it but I finally picked it up and it has completely transformed my mindset.
The day I decided to do a screen detox for my kids and I, there were tantrums and chaos. It wasn’t easy but it was very necessary and I can also admit to falling back into the trap because it IS so easy to do.
The important thing to remember is how beneficial it is for you and your children’s mind to stay present and learn to interact with everyday happenings. If you fall back into the screen trap, get yourself out and start again. You’ll have the tantrums and complaining again and for some time but in about a week everyone will have forgotten and you will have filled in those screen time moments with other valuable moments and memories.
6. Less Caffeine
Do not kill me for this one but again, this is from my own personal experience and I have to admit it, I was addicted to caffeine. Anyone who worked with me in the past would tell you that. I walked in work with an energy drink or a large iced coffee with extra caramel and melted sugar from Dunkin Donuts. I was loaded up all day and when I would crash I would just grab some more coffee. It was absolutely horrible and wonderful all in one sip. Once we moved to Puerto Rico, I will tell you that I had stopped with drinking energy drinks but I soon found myself back to drinking them. Not as frequently but I still found a favorite. I also adapted quickly to how much cafè is consumed here on the island. I was drinking three cups of cafè con leche a day with the occasional energy drink. It has not been easy.
After beginning my personal development journey I realized that I was just always anxious and stressed out. What could I actually be worried about? We are on this beautiful island, with my favorite people in the world. I am living my dream and I get to spend so much quality time with my family. Yea well that wasn’t the case. My mind was constantly running a million miles an hour. So I came to the conclusion it was time to stop the nonsense and get control of my mind and energy again… or at once.
I now drink coffee with milk once a day, it is a large cup but this alone has drastically changed everything. I now can focus way better on daily tasks. My mind isn’t racing with a million thoughts and I no longer feel exhausted at 2:00pm when I usually would be looking for another cup. I have so much more energy and it is actually mind blowing to think less coffee means more energy.
Regulate that coffee mama and I promise you, you will take on your daily tasks with ease. You will also find the day to be more relaxing which for me was the biggest win as I am a naturally anxious person. This was a huge moment for me and I am so glad to finally feel like I can control my caffeine intake instead of the caffeine controlling me.
This sums up my methods to the madness as a stay at home mom.
I hope that you found these tips to be helpful to you or maybe provide a little guidance in some things you can begin to look at within yourself and as a mama.
Lastly ill say, I am so proud to be a part of the motherhood community. We are boss’s we are powerhouses and we are killing this Job/role that was given to us. Continue searching for ways to be a better mama, a better version of yourself and just confide in those who you love and hold close to your heart. God bless you and don’t wait until Monday to start making the changes, start now.